I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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