R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
