The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.