if you like me you must not know who I am
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.