She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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