Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
