Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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