If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Those nachos came to me in a dream
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
