Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
