I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
