Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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