the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The feeling are messing with the penis
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
