I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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