I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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