I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
