Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin