Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.