My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
