I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
