im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
