I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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