Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
