The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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