i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
