He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
