He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
