I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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