I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
