Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
