smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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