soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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