The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
