They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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