I just cut my nipple shaving
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
