I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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