At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
