so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
