Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
