you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
