I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
