umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
