whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
