I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
