Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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