So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hippo gnu deer
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
