I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
