I cockslap morals
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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