dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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