I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Damn victory sex feels great
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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