That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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