I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
