i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
