I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
