I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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