I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
