you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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