This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
