The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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