Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
