You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
