i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
