i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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