the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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