If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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