We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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