She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
