Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
