I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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